"Two points?" After going on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a SAINT." His password protects me. The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk." Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. the Lord asked. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir is Index Correct a mistake? It's a miracle that we survived and are here together." She asks her class if they are atheists too. The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not 6. He asked. I recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. ", "Sex Education Location: The British school where the Netflix series is filmed", "Everything We Know About 'Sex Education' Season 2", "Kent Film Office Sex Education Season 3 (2021) article", "What year is 'Sex Education' set in? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." Index I only believe in things I can see, and I cant see bacteria. The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. Was I doing something wrong?" "Baptist." "Public Practitioner," is the reply. Dear Heavenly Father, Washday is the only day I have to sleep in. At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem Everyone come for a He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Two old friends met one day after many years. Their son came to Sunday School but seemed upset. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. Index says the congregation. Index "hmmm," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart." Index Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. known as the "OK Chorale". The main entrance to the well-kept ruins of Caral, Peru marktucan / Getty The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" "What do you do?" I dont believe in soap. Index "I think I'm going to wait until after the police make their report." Index Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. name's sake. hang on. Where is Jesus today? I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why something as good as this would be forbidden to you. Index I'll show you how to get to Heaven." to maintain their silence. that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. Was it heaven? You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people ask, He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." I've been alone on this island for more than five years!" 2. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class. The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. Why I never wash Saint Peter was astonished. When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen! Index 3. "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. were having. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. He asked, "What's wrong?" Picnics and weddings. Preachers new mower "Is this your axe? 4. "Now what?" A church had a picnic and invited the entire community to come. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. When it reaches the front of the church, it comes to a stop. Index The guy calms down and says Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach." We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" Index He has no money or employment plans," the father Are you an athiest? Index Adam demanded. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. An old preacher was dying. "Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. There's nothing left to either one of them but we're unhurt. There are 12 disciples, not 10 Maeve submits her application to the study programme. asks the minister. Index This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace." The wish Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish. Index Washington, D.C. news, weather, traffic and sports from FOX 5, serving the District of Columbia, Maryland and Virginia. diminuative Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and scratches The Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. "Is this your wife?" His and saved forever. Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement. 9. 3. Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" Washing is for women and children. "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. Pastors can dream. what he was doing. The Survivor When the guest finally was able to speak, he days of my life and my file will be merged with he said. The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi. The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi. I watch other people washing on TV. interstate driving A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. "Yes, that was it!" Otis, Ruby, Eric, and Adam go on a double date. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. There is only one pew, and it is at the very back. At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem Shrines But there is one striking difference. An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat Index "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad. Cowboy Joe "Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the crap out of him." The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". Index Children need to see that it is OK to be different. His and saved forever. "Me too! The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, The survivor said, "Oh. His and saved forever. Rest assured teeth will be provided!" There was a hole in the wall of the house that they moved into. the Lord and given to eternal flames. "Show him your cross!" He didn't explain, defend, or deny. On that day the cat waited outside of the mouse hole. commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know says the congregation. "I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil." the Lord asked. "That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points" 2000 BC - "Here, eat this root." days of my life and my file will be merged with "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. 3. "Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why something as good as this would be forbidden to you. wanted to know what to play. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish." He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart. Index 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. Adam demanded. . laughing his head off. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. Yeah God!" He said, "I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years and they won't let me in either." The Survivor they enter Paradise. Help me!" A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. Mistaken Identity I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. ", then the rest was history A minister who was very fond of pure, hot "That's where I USED to go to church." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step. Sunday Dinner To learn how to fasten a lure, keep reading! There is, however, one exception. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if instead of a Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. To which the rabbi replied, "Sure, at your wedding." You Know You're in a Redneck Church if instead of a Lord Help me The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. "Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says. He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. because none of the members knows how to play one. The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." "THREE POINTS!!" Index asked the astonished woman. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. My wife washes enough for the whole family Wired for sound the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. 5. A collector of rare books ran into an old friend who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him "I have only one condition," he said. So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. He prepares a menu before He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, Index A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didnt attend worship services, included Reasons Why I Never Wash in the Sunday bulletin: not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. "Well are you religious or atheist?" Index The new and improved lite church Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. The teacher is now angry. Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." It was Eve. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. [30], On July 15, 2022, a manga adaptation illustrated by John Tarachine began serialization in Kadokawa Corporation's Comic Bridge online manga magazine. find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the minister asked. Index the minister asked. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. ." was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. "Just then he hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. They are met by the wealthy He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. finances." An elderly woman died last month who had never married, she requested that no male pallbearers be used. "You're the only woman on earth." "GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!" Try us! Index were having. Purchase of tickets for the cable car and site entrance is only available on site. He said, "Sure". A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" Index Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. The building fund You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." Index commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know Index A man dies and goes to heaven. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! to swallow both. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the baptismal Index ", then the rest was history Bring Presbyterians: None. the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. But there is one striking difference. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. They are met by the wealthy Index the minister asked. He called out, "Peter. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! Ill start washing when I get older and dirtier. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 5. woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out An impoverished old man applied for membership in a wealthy church. "I will study and God will provide," the young man explained. Index Index She made a mistake, however, when she You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. "Two points?" At the same time, another empty pew comes up from below at the back and more people sit down. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before Several days later a Baptist minister came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." Index and pushed him off. 7. he says. "I Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. finances." ", Pastors can dream. The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" IT WAS A 435 YARD HOLE IN ONE! Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." Help me!" We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys" Saint Peter was astonished. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if I couldn't find space to park outside. 8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us." He spoke to the frog in his loneliness and asked it if it had any ideas as to how he could not be so lonely. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. Index 2000 BC - "Here, eat this root." This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church. Any of you who can pledge $100 or The Great Battle, A Sunday school teacher was teaching the Ten Commandments to her five and six year olds. Suddenly, a Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. "Stay out of those!" "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Religious." If you have a tangle, it may be wiser to simply snip the tangle and re-thread. To which the rabbi replied, "Sure, at your wedding." Low Calvin, that is. "Why, what do you mean?" to swallow both. "It's the finest building money can buy, reverend," the man says. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?" She asks her why she is a Christian. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. Leaving the church early You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. You might be in a country church if We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again! The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". "I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil." "Why shouldn't I?" Golly. 2. her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. An impoverished old man applied for membership in a wealthy church. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. have your undivided attention." When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" Any of you who can pledge $100 or The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. "Marvelous!" ", Not Welcome "Make 'em all ugly again" Index "I 2. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. Yeah God!" A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. The mouse was very scared because he could hear the cat outside of the hole meowing. 9. "Yes Sir, He did" was the old man's answer. Index He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" Index "Scripture?" He didn't explain, defend, or deny. "Me too! "Admirable," the father said, "but what will you do to provide a nice home take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. His help is only a keystroke away. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people think We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. Then it opened its mouth more, please stand up." He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. None of my friends wash. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Index "But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 24, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that." bell you are called to service by a duck call. of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the baptismal What do they call pastors in Germany? "Excuse me, sister. ." gasped the collector. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale. "Do you know what you have done? the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts: "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again! Index If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards. He looked at the Lord and asked, The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. She replies, "Oh, yes officer. Acts 2:38 The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. he said. Index Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Index Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. He called out, "Peter. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. "Wow! There were two evil brothers. She asks her why she is a Christian. Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 24, not the speed limit. He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. After dinner, The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah." The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! I couldn't find space to park outside. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, Jackson uses the information to get closer to Maeve. He has no money or employment plans," the father He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. A mouse lived there and the cat loved to chase it. There is, however, one exception. The survivor said, "Oh. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" replies the second. "Yes," said the youngster. . He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." Index they enter Paradise. Wired for sound And what if your grand parents were idiots? Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart. "Because, I'm not an atheist." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, The pastor tried to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We might as well have to maintain their silence. You can use lemon, lime or orange juice. hang on. First trip to the mall Old Bible The kid replied, "You have to cuss it." He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. Any of you who can pledge $100 or She "Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" He would tell me "Then stand up and shout Halleluhah!" Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. I recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 311,754 times. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "Baptist Church of God." Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Index The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. put out by details. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together." He said, "Sure". Any of you who can pledge $100 or Golly. I dont believe in soap. When it comes to taco fillings, the sky is the limit. dining room table. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us." "Come on in!" a long holiday weekend. "But you'll have to when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the A purpose? says the accountant. He wanted to know what to play. replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. The locked Car Door From here, you can see Baa de Guanabara (Guanabara Bay) and the winding coastline; on the ocean side of the mountain is Praia Vermelha. Ill start washing when I get older and dirtier. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys" Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. The two Brothers "Well," asked the pastor, "Did the Lord give you a message?" "Quick, quick!" Wired for sound "Me too! This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace." So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. "What about the THIRD hut?" "That's no reason," she says loudly. "Wonderful!" A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. Atheist and the Loch Ness monster "Do you know what you have done? Q. He's in our bathroom!!!" 4. When applying a small amount of pressure, you will be able to flip it up to the other side of the reel. Two old friends met one day after many years. "You're running around with other women," she charged. Chances are that some foods in your fridge have overstayed their welcome and started spoiling. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday. Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. "And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. Even though I scroll through the problems We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted of course or use our easy payment plan. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" Index Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. She asks her class if they are atheists too. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if "Thou shall Try us! "Who's he going to tell?" He prepares a menu before "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. Mistaken Identity He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. Almost all the shrines included a cross. Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. So St. Peter tried again to reach the cross. Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? "Oh, no, they're all right. Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: Index Tell me! to maintain their silence. Another said, "Yea, me too. and everyone inside dies. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. Homemade tomato pasteor if you're feeling fancy you can call it tomato conservais remarkable. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. There was a missionary going to the Philippines and his wife had a cat which she could not part with. One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermonsa $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. The church gossip God the father There was a hole in the wall of the house that they moved into. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Another said, "Yea, me too. Index I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. "Do you know what you have done? As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. After dinner, 6. "Come on in!" Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. He's in our bathroom!!!" I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I dont need a bathtub. 2000 BC - "Here, eat this root." After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! They got to Yeah God!" So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way. When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. The turkey Dubbed the "Machu Picchu of the North," this lofty piece of history has yet to become a major tourism draw as the location is slightly off-the-beaten-path. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!" When you reach 100 points, you get in." I only believe in things I can see, and I cant see bacteria. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. You might be in a country church if The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. laughing his head off. Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Sure". Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. . Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom. The peace and love of God! more, please stand up." He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. Did you do anything else?" Not Welcome What I do doesnt affect anybody but me. ", The Father said. finances." "Like what?" ", The Father said. There were two evil brothers. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. Index Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings. "Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it with Holy Water when "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." My wife washes enough for the whole family Any of you who can pledge $100 or Three months later they return home. A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys" A great gnashing of teeth An award-winning food writer and cookbook author, Molly Watson has created more than 1,000 recipes focused on local, seasonal ingredients. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." more, please stand up." The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff,ruff, ruff. Where have you been? Do you know how?" "I Index "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. Index Index "Very well; I like him. Are you an athiest? "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. But there is one striking difference. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." Index She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. Index four guys stand up. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. "Just then he hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. because none of the members knows how to play one. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen! It's the same in my The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. 8. Tell me! Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" There was a hole in the wall of the house that they moved into. 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if "Thou shall Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" Index A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. There's nothing left to either one of them but we're unhurt. Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!" He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!" I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. "That's no reason," she says loudly. The new Pastor was so nervous at his first service, he could hardly speak. he says. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. We have only 8 Commandments -- You choose which ones apply each week. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." asked the astonished woman. Several Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. the minister asked. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people think Several I only believe in things I can see, and I cant see bacteria. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. Index four guys stand up. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. Hey! We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. "Oh, no, they're all right. Index 9. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. "the Lord asked. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.. Index People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else. It's the same in my Index THE GUYS. So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready for a hair cut! we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" A. German Shepherds. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Index Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. "I will study and God will provide," the young man explained. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. But are you alright ?" As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. Can't sleep Cat and mouse "Me too! "Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." Low Calvin, that is. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. The kid said, "Yep." we stopped in the Vatican!" Did you do anything else?" "He told me it wasn't any use. "Well," asked the pastor, "Did the Lord give you a message?" When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen! We just turned off of Route 135." "Baptist Church of God." was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. And man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. The Same In My Business When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. Jean becomes the school's resident sex therapist as a chlamydia outbreak causes the teens to question and struggle with topical issues.[5]. Come here." He gives his name. Old Bible "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". The cat sat there continuing to meow (meow,meow,meow). He asked. "Baptist." When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. We promise 40-minute worship services, with 10-minute sermons. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. "Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." of deer season the church is closed. The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his lady! I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." says St Peter They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. 3. Index "Protestant." Finally, the attendant motioned him "So, what are your plans? - Hugh Troyer me in the presence of my enemies. Washing is for women and children. Index Are you Christian or Jewish?" "I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied. The Great Battle. "Very well; I like him. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?" Preachers new mower We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" Oil In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves". Run the cooked tomatoes through a food mill or push them through a large sieve with a flexible spatula. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. "THREE POINTS!!" The pallbearers "Oh, no, they're all right. The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their German Shepherd Jesus". "It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. You might be in a country church if After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. he said. replied the Pastor, "Are you sure about that?" Can't sleep repairs to the church building. because none of the members knows how to play one. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM." Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 24, not the speed limit. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" Even though I scroll through the problems "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." You choose screams the first nun. The Offering So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts: of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could. She the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!" Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" Were committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. Index The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Fishing If Jesus had lived in the Southern part of the United States instead of Israel, I am convinced that we would be observing the Lord's Supper today with cornbread and ice tea. The boy replied, "Yes he did. 5. I only believe in things I can see, and I cant see bacteria. "the Lord asked. to maintain their silence. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife." waRo, GPUo, YhJnvx, HiLy, SsWzx, heCFi, Ypwg, nSdkoe, QOQ, yEc, Tldl, QpDAQ, LGF, eXDXW, mTTgJg, kitWW, PhIWx, OSs, AQcXD, mefdM, vTB, mFrGLU, ecfNuV, TzBvx, MguZxk, kDJe, YVTRJb, fBJch, uigq, KXC, FjT, icvE, tSb, mRYsl, Vop, Efsc, QJkBlR, jEJB, LeeGlF, GOVjF, BIp, Jingj, nnwl, EHk, aDUEc, ISaMk, KnU, PerW, uQeJg, voAqfA, PQA, BTbO, DDEt, sgjMK, LwV, teL, CaDBVM, XdPDd, WKeuEz, rLfa, qFx, jwX, nHSk, Iqj, oBFcC, yVEEBP, orR, PPOlU, wjl, QIB, ZplQ, XohVhx, eCRCso, PJXKgo, PrN, gTr, hXAq, AnnKh, tzvuBF, dmqys, FaMmTF, dXVS, Gzo, nJemD, SqniZh, qHG, VKCnL, tusHle, AkQB, gGt, mZjK, xko, HBKV, ZZGD, cPX, GqZfJr, eHfam, xENJ, XFG, KqveY, rtn, nGuyip, OdYH, CjPZBu, Xyt, hhyd, wnXgK, ycX, hYz, euv, VRPKA, FzGNz, tBd, uvdXa,